Happy Birthday From The Eating Disorder: Even Uncomfortable Victories Are Still Victories

Happy Birthday from the Eating Disorder. PS - Your pants are way too tight this morning. Congratulations. Or not. I know feelings have been awful lately. You know I can help with that - you don't have to feel them. You've got to get things under control. You're pretty much a disgusting failure these days. But Happy Birthday anyway. Enjoy your celebration, if that's even possible with the way you look and feel.

Obviously this isn't a picture of an actual card I received on my birthday yesterday. But it may as well have been, because it was the first birthday wish I received.(I promise this gets more positive. Hang with me!)On Sundays, I'm usually the first one awake and dressed before anyone else gets up. Yesterday was no exception.I was looking forward to the day. I was going to get to do a little bit of most of my favorite things. I would be with my family. My ensemble was singing. I would be able to worship with the choir. I'd hear a great message from Pastor. My older kids were home. My sweet friend was back from Haiti, and I'd get to see her for the first time in a while. My husband was cooking lunch for me, and I'd spend more time with family. I would be leading recovery groups in the afternoon. And we'd enjoy cupcakes and ice cream with family in the evening. For real - for what more could I possibly ask? A perfect birthday.So with settled contentment, I went about the routines of getting dressed and ready for church. When I put my pants on, it felt like the air was instantly sucked out of me. Panic surged through my chest as I frantically tried to see how bad it was. And then the fear. Oh my gosh. No! Why? How? The last time I wore these, they were very loose!I couldn't get them off quickly enough.It's crazy how quickly the enemy can try to use our feelings to manipulate the day.Standing on the cold bathroom tile, I stared hard at the pants laying over my bathtub wall. Surely my mind was taking this to the extreme. Think rationally, Amie. You often do this. They probably fit properly now instead of being too big. The eating disorder is distorting it.I put them back on. The very same feelings hit me just as hard. This time, shame and self-hatred joined them.I went to the full length mirror and studied the reflection from every angle. As hard as I tried, it was obvious that the pants were in fact too tight.I ripped them off of me, now angry with myself for even entertaining the thought that perhaps it was an eating disordered thought and maybe they weren't too small. And the thoughts and feelings poured in faster than I could even keep up with. Because they actually were too small.And what did this mean for me?Lazy. Out of control. Shameful. Unsafe. Worried. Undisciplined. Thick. Obnoxiously shaped. Drawing attention. Unworthy. A disappointment. Gross. Unfit. Unkempt. A failure. Losing it. Spiraling downward quickly. Hopeless cause. And more unsafe by the minute. Panicked.I wrapped my robe around me tightly and sat on the edge of the tub, head in hands. Tears stung my eyes.I drew a deep breath, and tried to regroup. Those deep breaths I've learned to take have recently turned into silent cries to God - "Please help."Wouldn't it be lovely if we could pray that prayer and every difficult feeling just evaporated and our little worlds were made perfect? We all know that's not reality.But sitting on the tub yesterday morning, right in the middle of those miserable feelings, God reminded me that He had sent help. He HAD given me the tools I needed to deal with these feelings and thoughts. He provided and has continued to provide the greatest team in the world to pour His truths into me over and over and over again. I knew what had to be done. I knew the right thing to do.But there was a very obvious choice to make in that moment. And the choice was up to me. Even though He had given help to me, it was still my responsibility to take it - to take that shelter in Him, rest in His promises, trust, let go, obey, follow through....I knew my choices were very simple. And they were mostly mental path choices which would direct my behaviors for the day:

1. These feelings are real and they're awful. It's my fault. I've done this to myself. I'm not safe like this. I have to be safe. I cannot live like this. I know what to do. I will fix this. I'll put on my skirt that's too big and a swing top and start subtly cutting exchanges beginning with breakfast. I need a break from life right now anyway, and this will help with all of it. There's nothing I can do about these feelings, but I'll put on a happy face so that no one worries. Enough is enough. I won't let the restriction get out of control this time, so no one will be burdened with worry. But at least my clothes won't be too tight.
2. These feelings are very real, but they're not based on truth. I trust what God and my team tell me more than I trust my feelings and what seems to be true about myself. So even though they won't go away right now, I will choose to believe truth and not allow my feelings to direct my behaviors. I will not engage in behaviors, and I will not allow this to rob my family's or my joy today. Because no matter how awful it feels in this moment, I choose recovery. It's God's plan for me, and I know His plans are best. I will sit with the feelings until they change and keep challenging them with truth.

The good news? I chose option #2. The bad news? It didn't feel good. In fact, the difficult feelings didn't even budge. But I pressed forward anyway.So my pants are too small? In reality, that's supposed to be a good thing. I am at a recovered weight now, and that means my body is where it needs to be to sustain a healthy life. I AM safe. If the pants are too small, it doesn't change what's true about me.I went into the closet and although tempted to put on a very boxy, a-lined dress (and there's nothing wrong with those in and of themselves of course), I chose to wear something that was more fitted than that but was not too tight. Avoidance is a temptation but does not help in reaching for full recovery.I was still uncomfortable, but that's a feeling. And feelings never change what's true. Feelings change. I didn't take off the dress and pressed on with morning routines.Driving in to church, challenging feelings and thoughts left and right because they wouldn't let up, trying to act normally and listen to the stories and jokes from the child who rode with me, I realized that this morning was in fact, by the grace of God, a significant victory. I guess sometimes victories just feel awful. But once again, feelings don't change the truth. It was a victory.And that realization made tears of gratefulness to God sting my eyes. Because in my weaknesses, He is so strong.And the joy is in the victories of each day and the anticipation of what lies ahead. The fact alone that I've been out of residential treatment for 13 months is a miracle of God that I don't take for granted. And I'm with my family and friends. God is giving me more opportunities every day to encourage others. And that in turn encourages me. He is so good.So in spite of the discomfort and fear I was feeling, I chose to set my mind on the good things God is doing. I chose to smile because of those good things as I kept holding on to truth. And little by little, His truths began pushing those awful feelings further into the background. Present but very manageable. Secondary to the pockets of joy He had planned for me all through the day. And in spite of a difficult early morning, it was a FANTASTIC day.Guess what? I even enjoyed food - for the nourishment it provided AND for the taste. Not once, but three times that day. And I did not engage in any behaviors of which I was aware.I cannot grasp such grace and mercy and why it would be poured out on me. But it is abundantly evident, and I am eternally grateful.In keeping it real and challenging avoidance, I have to acknowledge that there's still a great struggle. I haven't even been able to blog about being fully weight restored.I'm chuckling to myself, because for months, I talked about how hard it was to NOT be weight restored. The struggle to get back here was so hard. But here I am. Yay, right?!I know, logically, that is something to celebrate. But my feelings don't align, and I know that means there's still work to do. There's still so much unexplained fear, panic, and shame that I can't shake despite the truth I keep claiming.But it's OK. Recovery takes as long as it takes. It's not a race. And grace and mercy will continue to be extended towards me. As I focus more and more on Jesus, I am more and more able to sit with the difficult feelings. And I am more and more aware of the joy He's set before me, even in the middle of my difficulties. And that is what puts a genuine smile on my face and gives me the motivation and even excitement to keep walking towards recovery.I guess what I really want to highlight is that with every temptation, eating disorder or otherwise, there is a choice to make. There are always at least two choices, and at least one choice is the right choice. But no matter what - the choice is ours to make.The right choice quite often won't feel right. It may not be comfortable, and sometimes you won't feel like celebrating the victory. But feelings don't change what's true. And in spite of any thought or feeling that the enemy throws our way, there is always something to celebrate in the truth. Because it's what will ultimately make us free. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. We can make the right choice and keep our eyes fixed on Him and trust Him to work out the rest of it.So celebrate every victory that He gives you, and don't look back. Keep pressing forward. One choice at a time. One minute at a time. One Person on which to look all the time. Thank you to all of you who reached out to message me sweet birthday wishes. They were part of my fantastic day.If you're visiting this website for the first time, welcome! If you'd like, you can begin reading my eating disorder story here.Or if you'd like to know more about what an eating disorder is about, click here.Please take a moment to provide an email address so that you receive notifications of new blog posts.[wpforms id="718"]We're so glad you stopped by!